Yato is a Billy Goat Confirmed
by bluedragon03
Summary: Basically based on the idea that Yato can and Will stomach absolutely anything. Crack fic
1. Vinegar

Yato took a sip from his drink and set it down, refocusing on the picture of Hiyori he was drawing. The sounds of her and Yukine playing with Ebisu in the large lawn of Bishamon's estate filled his ears as he, Bishamon, and Kazuma reclined in the shade of the patio away from the hot sun.

"Yato, do you mind?" Kazuma asked as he picked up Yato's drink.

"Go ahead," Yato said, not looking up from his drawing. Kazuma took it and took a large sip, spraying the liquid everywhere as soon as it hit his tongue. "_Hey_!" Yato protested indignantly.

"Yato what the hell is in that bottle?" He cried out, spitting off to the side and giving him a horrified look. Kazuma slammed the bottle down and Bishamon peered into it while all action in the yard ceased to watch the spectacle.

"Is it vodka?" She asked.

"No, it's vinegar," Yato replied, confused, like he had said absolutely nothing out of the ordinary and drinking vinegar was a normal thing that real people did.

"_What?_" Kazuma asked, somehow managing to look more horrified.

"It's vinegar," Yato said again. He picked up the bottle and took a big swig of it. "You don't like vinegar?" Bishamon watched the bottle travel from the table top to Yato's lips, and watched him down a significant amount of it without batting an eye.

"Yato, that is easily the most terrifying thing you've ever done," she said.

Yukine and Hiyori exchanged a look and approached Yato, then took turns sniffing the contents, though Yukine was the only one who could muster a response.

"Yato, what the fuck?"


	2. Complementary Soaps

Yato jumped up excitedly, shaking Yukine's shoulder.

"Yukine we've got a job at one of those fancy hotels with the free candy in the bathroom, let's go and while we're there we can steal all the candy!"

"Yato, you're hopeless," Hiyori sighed. "And what kind of place has free candy in the bathroom?" Yato extended a hand to her and she took it warily. He opened his phone and teleported into a room where a cleaning lady stood alone with her cart.

"Wow, you really do reply fast," she said, "the rest of my crew called in sick and now I have to do this floor all by myself, do you really do any job for only five yen?"

"Sure do!" Yato replied. "You've got the right trio for the job!"

"Wait, you brought me here to work? When you haven't even fulfilled _my _request that I paid for?"

"Uhhhh…"

"Your cart is waiting for you out in the hall." She quickly briefed them on their responsibilities before beginning her job.

"No go on, you all take the even numbered rooms and let me know when your done."

So they did, Yato took the key like it was a medal of valor and strode across the hall with a look of mischief on his face.

"He's excited for the candy," Yukine said.

"I don't think there will be candy in the bathrooms," Hiyori whispered to Yukine, and he nodded in reply.

Sure enough Yato made a beeline for the bathroom.

"These people didn't even eat their candy! It's free!" Yukine and Hiyori looked at each other then entered the bathroom, only to see Yato holding one of the delicately carved little soaps that were in hotel bathrooms. They were just in time to see him take a big bite out of it, grinning happily.

"Yato thats…" Hiyori began weakly.

"Soap…" Yukine finished.

"Sure it doubles as soap, but everyone knows soap is actually just candy!" They looked at him in horror.

"What should we do?" Yukine whispered behind his hand to Hiyori.

"I don't think we should do anything, it's not like it will kill him. Remember the vinegar Kazuma drank?"

"What the hell kind of person thinks soap is candy? Yukine asked rhetorically as Yato chowed down on some hotel room soaps.


	3. Packing Peanuts

Yato reclined contentedly, eyes closed against the comforting ambiance of Hiyori helping Yukine with his homework, oblivious to the troubled looks the other occupants of the room were occasionally casting in his direction.

Yato sat beside a plate of packing peanuts and a glass of milk, happy that today's client had let him take them home. He had seemed confused, even, when Yato had been so excited to take them off his hands. Without opening his eyes he picked up a single peanut and dipped it in his milk.

He'd worked hard today, he deserved a treat, he thought.

"Is there anything better than packing peanuts and milk?" He sighed happily as he munched another peanut. Hiyori and Yukine spared him a look before turning back to each other.

"At least he isn't dipping them in vinegar," Yukine mumbled. Hiyori nodded solemnly.


	4. Chapstick

It was common knowledge that cold chapped your lips quickly, so naturally, Hiyori brought a few extra chapsticks with her for their group trip into the mountain. She didn't want Yato and Yukine's lips to chap and bleed, but also she didn't know where Yato had been and wasn't keen to let something that had touched his lips also touch hers.

She had _seen _the man drink vinegar, she didn't even _want _to know what other kinds of horrors had entered his mouth.

Unfortunately, as was apparently her curse, she kept finding out.

"Oh, Hiyori, is that chapstick?" Yato asked happily when she took it out to apply to her cold lips.

"Yeah," she said, already reaching for her pocket where she'd stowed the one for Yato, only for him to reach out while she was distracted and snatch hers from her hand.

Hiyori watched, as if in slow motion, as Yato extended the lip balm as far as it would go and _chomped _the thing right out of the tube before passing it back.

"Thanks," he slurred, "my lips were starting to hurt."

Hiyori watched, mouth agape in mixed fascination and disgust as Yato proceeded to use his tongue to plaster the munched on chapstick over his lips.

An exaltation of horror wheezed from her lips, unbidden by her mind.

"What the fuck?"


	5. Tide pods, and Grass, and Flowers, Oh my

"You need to start eating healthier," Hiyori announced, slapping a tide pod out of Yato's hand, having reached her wit's end.

"What do you mean?" He asked, looking offended.

"You can't keep eating things clearly labeled 'TOXIC DO NOT EAT'! It's just not good for you!"

"It's not like I'll die! And look at them, they're so tempting! They're so shiny and appealing!"

"That doesn't mean you can eat them!" Hiyori said, voice rising in anger. She slapped his hand again when he reached for another and glared, fire seeming to roll from her shoulders. "You are going to start eating healthy _so help me god_!"

"Well this god isn't going to 'so help you!'" Yato snapped, crossing his arms.

"Then I'll ask _another _god, there are _plenty_."

* * *

Hiyori didn't actually ask a god for help, she didn't need too. She was with Yato often enough, and Yukine was _tired_ enough of Yato's weird eating habits that he agreed without hesitation to try and help her get Yato's diet right.

"I brought everyone a nice healthy meal!" Hiyori said, smiling happily as she showed up for dinner at Kofuku's house. She unpacked her take out bag and set everyone's meals in front of them. Yato opened up his to-go container and gazed at it critically before deigning it inedible.

"This salad is pathetic!"

"It looks delicious to me," Kofuku said, having been peer pressured onto the 'Yato should eat healthily' train. "Look, cucumbers and croutons and tomatoes."

"It's missing all the most important ingredients! Here, let me show you!"

Yato picked up his plate and stormed out of the room. The rest of the group followed out of morbid curiosity only to see Yato tearing up grass like a madman.

"What the hell do you think you're doing to my lawn?" Daikoku asked.

Yato ignored him and moved on from the grass to tear up a few random flowers, then he ripped leaves off the nearest maple tree. He brushed past the group back to the table and sat, using his chopsticks to mix up the old salad and new salad until he was satisfied, then he showed it around proudly.

"How can you even call it a salad without the clean fresh taste of grass," Yato said sardonically before he started eating his newly adjusted salad.

"Hiyori," Yukine whispered, "I think we're outmatched. He's just too weird."


	6. Foxglove

"I'm so glad we did this, Yato, I really needed this day off," Hiyori said, tail swishing happily. Somewhere across the city, her body was asleep during study hall. "Midterms are really beating me down right now."

"Everyone deserves a break sometimes," Yato said, smiling at the bounce in her step. He'd noticed it had faded slightly in the past weeks and thought that Hiyori would benefit from some time off.

"All you do is take breaks," Yukine grumbled. Yato was going to snap at him, but Hiyori's giggle changed his mind. It had been a while since he'd heard that too.

Over Hiyori's shoulder, Yato saw a patch of flowers, and his face lit up.

"Yes!"

"Foxglove?" Hiyori asked as Yato made a beeline for it. She should have seen it coming, didn't know why she didn't, she also didn't know why she bothered panicking when Yato reached down and picked one, tearing into the flowers with his teeth. "No! Those are poison!"

"I know!" Yato said brightly as he swallowed another mouthful of foxglove. "The poison gives it some kick!"

Hiyori collapsed at his feet, sobbing weakly.

"Please, can you be normal for _just one day_?"


End file.
